Can you be kinda desperate? I mean, when I think of what it means to feel desperate, it feels pretty definitive. Not a wishy-washy, on the fence kind of feeling. Yet, when I examine my state of mind and heart today, "kinda desperate" seems to fit.
I hit the wall full force today. I don't like that my grade group team saw me crumble. In fact, I don't like that anyone sees me crumble. I came home exhausted, emotional, and discouraged. Then I began to listen to lies only the enemy would take pleasure in… I began to hear in my heart that if I wasn't so needy then my husband wouldn't have to work so hard. I mean, wouldn't he be better off without me? Then it was a lie about my parenting. If I was a good mom, my girls wouldn't struggle. If it weren't for having had my stupid surgery, I'd be normal and could take care of myself and everyone else. I'm not worth the effort. My family deserves better. Okay, reading that? Ummm, desperate. No "kinda" about it.
So…what now? I'm doing what I always try to do when in this place. I look to God's word. Among the verses that I came across today are:
- Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."
- Psalms 40:2-3 "He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new sound in my mouth -- Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord."
- Jeremiah 17:7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him."
Comfort? Yes. But admittedly I feel guilt too. I am beating myself up a little bit that, even though I know His truth, I still feel "kinda desperate" on days. I want to read the precious words of my Father and instantly lift my face to the sky refreshed and awash in hope. Instead I cry, try to express it in words to K., fail miserably and give up, and tonight, journal about it. Those are not really the words I want to be typing. I want a "Kum-by-ah" moment and I'm not getting it. So what happens next? Well, I hear the whisper of another lie: I just have to try harder.
So, kinda desperate is my pitstop tonight. I honestly can't imagine doing anything about it, but I think I understand a little bit about the place others find themselves in when they believe that death is the only solution. Again, I don't think about ending my life, but I wonder how far a jump it is from where I am to where my friend L. was when she chose to end her precious, beautiful days on earth.
And another thing. (Wait. I feel another post coming on. One in which I list all the many reasons I feel guilt.) Oh Lord, I'm weak, but You are strong. I can confess these feeling of desperation to you, yet I wonder how to move past them. I want only to be desperate for YOU. Give me wisdom, Father. Amen.
