Mercy in the Morning

December 30, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness! (Lamentations 3:22-23)

I began my quest last night with a list of ten questions I ached to have answers for. The next hours were spent scouring scriptures, reading devotionals and commentaries, and praying fervently for answers. I began and ended with Micah 7:7: "Therefore I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my Salvation. My God will hear me." I was clinging desperately to the hope that His Word would not fail me. At that vulnerable, heart-broken place I found myself, God began to minister to my heart. In the quiet I sensed His sweet presence wash over me. I became overwhelmed by His love for His undeserving daughter. Here are a few of the things He blessed me with in the late, late hours…

• Zephaniah 3:17: He quiets me with His love and rejoices over me with singing.
• Psalms 16: Because He is with me, I need not be shaken. In His presence is fullness of JOY!
• Psalms 46: I'm reminded of His sufficiency, my security in Him, and His supremacy so that I can “be still” and let Him be God.
• Matthew 11:28-30: I am weary and He gives rest… My burdens belong with Him.
• Psalms 23: I can know and trust in the goodness of my Shepherd.
• Psalms 40: He brings me out of the horrible pit and gives me firm footing and a new song to sing. 

When I first settled in for this "Face-time" with God, I imagined that I would pen my questions and at the end of my time with Him, I'd be able to write out the answers I received. The funny thing is, I didn't receive one answer to my questions. But I certainly did hear from my sweet Lord. He gave me peace (something I've been missing terribly these days!) and has begun a healing in my heart. I was so angry last night…something I haven't felt since this journey began nine months ago. I was able to talk with my Father about that. He wiped the tears from my eyes and held me close. He opened His word to me in ways I've missed recently. He restored my perspective. He patiently reminded me of His sovereignty. 

I know this marks a change in my path. It's not a new journey, nor is this a promise that the hardest part is behind me (though I wouldn't mind if that were true). For today, I will just be grateful that His mercies are new every morning and that He is faithful.

Shaken

December 29, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

Hi. I'm Jill and I'm a liar. [Insert your own "Hi, Jill." here.]

At the advice of my big brother, I sat down to revisit the journal of my journey before and just after my brain surgery. I have been avoiding it for some time now. The truth of it is that I have felt so frustrated, so weak, so exhausted, so... blech for so long that I have realized just how shaken I have become. I began this journal as a statement embracing and celebrating Psalms 16:8 in which the Psalmist says, "I will not be shaken." And yet, I'm the poster child for all rattled things everywhere. I've been running from that truth for months and I think somewhere deep inside my innards, I knew that I'd have to face that ugly fact if I revisited the journal of pre-surgery me. And I was right. 

I feel a little bit beat up right now, and for so many reasons. I feel I've been pummeled by waves of guilt, trampled by a herd of unfulfilled expectations, and slowly poisoned by the lies of the enemy that say that I'm supposed to have everything together. (Oh, how I hate him!) I've allowed myself to believe that my weakness is letting God, my family, my friends, and my students down. Instead of embracing and celebrating the strength I find in Christ, I'm blinded by all I can't do and am doing a bang-up job of convincing myself that I am sinning by falling short of my self-inflicted expectations. Oh, I am one hot mess and it's time I face it so that I can move forward. 

Tonight I'm committing to fast from sleep and food until I hear from the Lord. You see, I know He has a plan for this. Romans 8:28 promises me that. I don't doubt His sovereignty one little bit. So, even though I accept that I may not understand the plan He has in place or how He will use this for good, I will wait before Him until I hear a word from Him. 

I admit I'm nervous. It is hard for me to shut up. I need His strength to do just that. 

Lord, I am desperate for you. Quiet my heart. Quiet my mind. Quiet my spirit. In your presence I stop and look to you. 

"Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me." Micah 7:7