Hi. I'm Jill and I'm a liar. [Insert your own "Hi, Jill." here.]
At the advice of my big brother, I sat down to revisit the journal of my journey before and just after my brain surgery. I have been avoiding it for some time now. The truth of it is that I have felt so frustrated, so weak, so exhausted, so... blech for so long that I have realized just how shaken I have become. I began this journal as a statement embracing and celebrating Psalms 16:8 in which the Psalmist says, "I will not be shaken." And yet, I'm the poster child for all rattled things everywhere. I've been running from that truth for months and I think somewhere deep inside my innards, I knew that I'd have to face that ugly fact if I revisited the journal of pre-surgery me. And I was right.
I feel a little bit beat up right now, and for so many reasons. I feel I've been pummeled by waves of guilt, trampled by a herd of unfulfilled expectations, and slowly poisoned by the lies of the enemy that say that I'm supposed to have everything together. (Oh, how I hate him!) I've allowed myself to believe that my weakness is letting God, my family, my friends, and my students down. Instead of embracing and celebrating the strength I find in Christ, I'm blinded by all I can't do and am doing a bang-up job of convincing myself that I am sinning by falling short of my self-inflicted expectations. Oh, I am one hot mess and it's time I face it so that I can move forward.
Tonight I'm committing to fast from sleep and food until I hear from the Lord. You see, I know He has a plan for this. Romans 8:28 promises me that. I don't doubt His sovereignty one little bit. So, even though I accept that I may not understand the plan He has in place or how He will use this for good, I will wait before Him until I hear a word from Him.
I admit I'm nervous. It is hard for me to shut up. I need His strength to do just that.
Lord, I am desperate for you. Quiet my heart. Quiet my mind. Quiet my spirit. In your presence I stop and look to you.
"Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me." Micah 7:7
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