Guilt, Lies, and Desperation

April 10, 2014: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

Can you be kinda desperate? I mean, when I think of what it means to feel desperate, it feels pretty definitive. Not a wishy-washy, on the fence kind of feeling. Yet, when I examine my state of mind and heart today, "kinda desperate" seems to fit.

I hit the wall full force today. I don't like that my grade group team saw me crumble. In fact, I don't like that anyone sees me crumble. I came home exhausted, emotional, and discouraged. Then I began to listen to lies only the enemy would take pleasure in… I began to hear in my heart that if I wasn't so needy then my husband wouldn't have to work so hard. I mean, wouldn't he be better off without me? Then it was a lie about my parenting. If I was a good mom, my girls wouldn't struggle. If it weren't for having had my stupid surgery, I'd be normal and could take care of myself and everyone else. I'm not worth the effort. My family deserves better. Okay, reading that? Ummm, desperate. No "kinda" about it.

So…what now? I'm doing what I always try to do when in this place. I look to God's word. Among the verses that I came across today are:

• Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." 
• Psalms 40:2-3 "He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my steps. He has put a new sound in my mouth -- Praise to our God; many will see it and fear, and will trust in the Lord." 
• Jeremiah 17:7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him."

Comfort? Yes. But admittedly I feel guilt too. I am beating myself up a little bit that, even though I know His truth, I still feel "kinda desperate" on days. I want to read the precious words of my Father and instantly lift my face to the sky refreshed and awash in hope. Instead I cry, try to express it in words to K., fail miserably and give up, and tonight, journal about it. Those are not really the words I want to be typing. I want a "Kum-by-ah" moment and I'm not getting it. So what happens next? Well, I hear the whisper of another lie: I just have to try harder.

So, kinda desperate is my pitstop tonight. I honestly can't imagine doing anything about it, but I think I understand a little bit about the place others find themselves in when they believe that death is the only solution. Again, I don't think about ending my life, but I wonder how far a jump it is from where I am to where my friend L. was when she chose to end her precious, beautiful days on earth.

And another thing. (Wait. I feel another post coming on. One in which I list all the many reasons I feel guilt.) Oh Lord, I'm weak, but You are strong. I can confess these feeling of desperation to you, yet I wonder how to move past them. I want only to be desperate for YOU. Give me wisdom, Father. Amen.

Pivoting on Prayer

January 6, 2014: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

When I think about it, I'm restlessly moving these days, but not really going anywhere. I've been frustrated by that, but this evening I've started to question my thinking. After all, where am I supposed to be going? My life and all the things I need to do, are surrounding me, all within reach. That can feel frantic, but it can be strategic too. I picture a basketball player picking up his dribble. For the rest of that possession, he can only pivot. He can go any direction from that pivot point, but the foot must remain planted. A pivot, while not always the most productive position to be in, can allow a player time to see options, read the opponent, and buy time while a better play opens up.

I think I'm pivoting these days. A year ago I was dribbling along the court of life, just happy to be in the game. My health, and eventual surgery caused a big pause. I still have the ball, but I'm not able to move forward any more right now. This is my time to look at options, survey the opponent, and wait for my God to show me a better play.

I have felt a terrible amount of guilt with this pause. I'm not able to serve in all the capacities I'd like to. I'm not able to do all the things I'm used to being able to do as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a teacher, or as a friend. I could spend the evening listing the things I can't do, and still not have enough time to name them all. But, my God… Yes, my God is able to do exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ask or even imagine (Ephesians 3:20). So, what does that mean for me right now?

I'm planting my foot in prayer. I'm trusting that the God who CAN, will. I'm choosing to have faith that my gracious Lord will show this girl how to pivot gracefully and strategically. I'm praying that He will direct my next move. Maybe I'm supposed to pass something (or some things) off to someone else. Maybe I'm supposed to take a shot and let go of the ball I'm holding so fiercely. Maybe I'm just supposed to keep waiting for the right opportunity, while guarding myself against the attacks of my opponent. Waiting is hard for me. I don't like the stopping motion because it feels unproductive and useless. What might I learn in this pause? What lessons are waiting for me right here?

It's yet another practice in patience; another opportunity to get quiet and to listen. As long as my foot stays planted in prayer, I believe with my whole heart that the answers will come and God's next play for me will become clear. If I pick up my foot, I risk forfeiting the position God has placed me in. And who knows if He has placed me here for such a time as this? (Esther 4:14) Thankfully, there is no game clock ticking down. I'm going to try to adjust to God's timing during this season, not my own.

"Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Here We Go

January 2, 2014: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

Two weeks of rest. That's what the last 13 days were supposed to be. It was Christmas break and I pledged to take a true break from anything related to school. I expected to feel like a new person after the break. I'm sad to say that I don't. I'm sad, but after the way God has begun to break through the hardness of my heart, I'm not without hope. Maybe it's best to say that I'm scared; scared that I won't be ready to resume my work schedule, my responsibilities, my life. I'm worried that I won't effectively take what God is teaching me and put it into practice. I'm nervous I'm going to fall right back into a life of fret, unrest, and frustration.

God has put my heart at peace over this break, even if my body is still weary. Will I reflect the new thing He is doing in me? Or will I appear to be the same, exhausted girl I was when I locked my classroom door 13 days ago? Part of that depends on what I choose to do. Will I choose to stop and thank Him frequently throughout the day, acknowledging the blessings He has rained down on me? Will I choose to focus on the King of Kings and the Prince of Peace rather than my circumstances? Will I get quiet before Him so that I can hear the voice of my Shepherd? And let's get real for a moment…since I know that I am most susceptible to the enemy's schemes when I'm exhausted, will I choose to stop and rest when I need to?

Tomorrow I start back to work and feel unrested and unprepared for the work ahead. I'm struggling with how to pray tonight, God. Please hear my heart even though my words are failing me. Thank you for being faithful. Thank you for loving me. Thank you that your grace is sufficient. Amen