Wait For It...

June 24, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

I’ve heard it said that the hardest lesson to learn is that of waiting. I’d like to take this opportunity to say that I have done a stellar job of failing to learn that lesson. Maybe it’s because it takes patience, which I’m lacking in. Perhaps it’s because I like to (pretend to) be in charge of things, and I’m just not. I’ve heard of nightmare experiences of people waiting two hours to get out of a stuck elevator, four hours in a packed emergency room, and fifteen minutes in the express line at the grocery store! I’ve also learned sweet lessons from friends who have waited years for a pregnancy, countless months for the final adoption papers, and far too many sleepless nights to hear of the safety of a loved one fighting overseas. So when I hear the word waiting, I instantly get restless. I’m so grateful for a God so personal who has chosen to teach me (once again) to wait on Him.

In my first entry I mentioned that I was scheduled for surgery May 24 and we watched that date come and go. What I didn’t write about were any of the why’s. I’m recording the timeline of some of the events purely for my future reference. If anyone else cares to read it, have at it.

March 29: Dr. appointment resulting in orders for echocardiogram and MRI (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

April 4: MRI #1 (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

April 5: MRI #1 results inconclusive; referral to neurologist (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

April 10: Echocardiogram (God's word to us: "Wait.")

April 15: Results of echocardiogram were good; first appointment with neurologist. More MRI’s scheduled. (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

April 17: MRI’s #2 and #3 completed (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

April 22: Follow up appointment with neurologist; MRI results conclusive; referral to neurosurgeon (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

May 2: Appointment with neurosurgeon #1; surgery scheduled for May 24 (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

The waiting on the days that followed became more and more challenging. As our surgery date approached, God flooded our hearts with peace, but each day also became known as “X number of days” until surgery. (Not a fun way to keep a calendar, I must admit.)

May 16: Pre-admission tests at hospital #1 (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

May 19: Finally begin to make the upcoming surgery general knowledge and we are completely ready! (God’s word to us: “Wait.”) We are comforted by the knowledge that the wait is almost over!

May 20: God plants the very first seed of worry in my heart and I begin to pray fervently that He will remove the fear or make it clear how to proceed. 20 minutes later friend from hospital #1 calls in tears begging us not to go through with the surgery based on information she had just learned about my neurosurgeon from a very respected, very trustworthy source. (The frenzy that took place in our lives that day was fairly impressive.) Surgery cancelled; appointment scheduled with neurosurgeon #2. (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

May 30: Appointment with neurosurgeon #2 (peace returns); surgery scheduled for June 7. (God’s word to us: “Wait.”)

June 3: Neurosurgeon #2 calls to enthusiastically explain that the biggest fear, the greatest risk, the reason neurosurgeons hate this surgery has been potentially eradicated because of what he learned just after we left his office on May 30. This new knowledge, he explained, could conceivably change the face of this surgery forever. He went on to explain that by June 7 (my surgery date!), he fully intended to have developed software that would be able to be used with MRI technology in the operating room, during my surgery, giving them a precise indication of success on the spot. The vastly improved knowledge would result what he believed to be the first of its kind in our country.
(God’s word to us: “See, my beloved?”) 

My heart screamed gratitude to my blessed Father. He didn’t take away my need for the surgery or the seriousness of the procedure, or the pain of recovery. He simply did exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever ask or imagine! Oh, how I love Ephesians 3:20! Don’t ever tell me He isn’t personal. He knew my words professed trust. He knew I claimed peace. He also knew my heart was anxious of one thing...the post-operative risks. Our waiting made a way for an answer to a prayer we never thought to utter.

June 7: Surgery completed with technology beyond what the doctors had previously ever had access to. (As a side note, neurosurgeon #2 also texted our friend who pleaded with us to cancel our first surgery to let her know the profound impact she ultimately had on my care. Wow.)

June 9: Left hospital 2-3 days ahead of schedule and the healing begins. Wanna guess God’s word to me right now? Yes, “Wait.” Healing will come, eventually. Pain will subside in time. Strength will return. He is with me always.

“Wait on the Lord; Be of good courage, And He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!” Psalms 27:14

So, As it Turns Out, Strength and Peace Walk Hand-in-Hand

June 20, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

I’ve become a student of God’s character through this journey. And along the way I’ve learned a lot about myself too. I have a habit of reflecting too much sometimes, but that’s simply how I’m wired. One of the self-discoveries I’ve been making is that I work very hard at compartmentalizing things (emotions, events, even relationships). So when I first jotted down a list of things I believe God is teaching me, I had two very distinct compartments for peace and strength. These are two of the most profound insights I’ve gained during this ride, but have lacked words to articulate what I’m learning. I attempted to capture some of what God's teaching me about peace in my last blog.

It hit me today. While it is true that I am fully relying on His strength, AND that He is the source of my peace. I haven’t been able to separate them because this journey has woven them so tightly together that one cannot exist without the other. When I am at peace, which John 14:27 and John 16:33 promise, I am fully enveloped by the presence of my Savior. And when I am surrounded by the magnitude of Jesus, I am strengthened to face worries I could never face alone. And I’m not just talking about physical strength, although this surgery and recovery have certainly zapped me completely of that.

I write today, so grateful that God sent my sister to help restore my strength. She has been here the last few days and I am overwhelmed by the joy, the healing, and the strength that have taken place while she has been here. I thank her, of course, but I credit God for providing exactly what I needed at exactly the time I needed it. In Psalms 31, the writer pens my heart, “But I trust in you, O Lord. I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in your hands.” Of course He knows exactly what I need. And of course, it’s always before I’m aware.

Both of my daughters sent me verses before they left for camp, and they are some of my favorites. One verse my youngest sent is, “The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” (Proverbs 18:10). It’s not among my favorites because I consider myself righteous (I don’t), nor that I can run right now (I can’t). It’s precious to my heart because it reminds me in my time of weakness just who my Strong Tower is. When overwhelming winds seem to seek to topple me, I am safe in the shelter of my Strong Tower. Thank you, Lord. Thank you.

One verse my oldest daughter sent is, “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9). A favorite because it so isn’t about me, or what I can do. It’s not even about getting stronger day by day (which I am thankful for!). It’s about God getting the glory in my weakness. Is He getting that? Oh, I pray that He is! Lord, keep me as weak as you need to, to accomplish Your purpose. During my weakness, continue to envelop me with a gratitude for peace. And as I gain strength from You and the people you send, like priceless meal-makers and a precious sister who loves so well, keep my heart grateful. Amen.

Immeasurable Peace

June 6, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.” Isaiah 26:3

Life can be challenging, can’t it? I mean, one minute we’re strolling along, working, playing, living, and the next minute we’re facing a monstrous boulder of difficulty. My pastor shared a great illustration of that in a sermon not too long ago during which he describes his experience of driving in Gatlinburg. He turns off into what appears to be a parking lot, but is in reality a ditch. The bottom just falls out when we least expect it. 

Well, we’ve hit a ditch. I have to admit, this is not a ravine. It’s not a cliff. It’s not even a “Bridge Out Ahead.” It is, however, a ditch. The bottom has fallen out temporarily and it would be easy to throw our hands up and freak out. We just haven’t. Rather, God has given us an immeasurable amount of peace during this time. It’s not the “I know everything is going to be back to normal” kind of peace, because, frankly, we don’t know that it is. I can say, however, that it is more than a feeling. (Now I can’t get the Boston song out of my head!) 

I don’t understand how peace works. I just know Who it comes from. I also know that when I’m spending time with my Father, my heart is more at peace. When I’m not with Him, I tend to fret. Now, I’m no genius (regardless of the fact that my brain is too big for my skull), but even I can figure out there’s a connection between the state of our hearts during storms and the One whom even the winds obey (Matthew 8). 

You see, He speaks and the world begins. He commands and the seas obey. He promises and man is redeemed. He touches and people are healed. He blesses the bread and thousands are fed. He explains the scripture and the Emmaus Road is never the same. He shows up in my storms and bids me to trust Him and I do. I do because He has never broken a promise. In John 14:27, Jesus assures us, “Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” And when God assures, you can bet my heart takes shelter.

I’m ready for Friday; not because I know that I will be okay. Again, I don’t. I’m ready because My Father, able to heal, already holds the future in His hands. And you know what else? In this world we will have trouble, but HE has overcome the world! (John 16:33)

The Beautiful Body of Christ

June 5, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

Today’s entry is more about recording my blessings than sharing any new truths revealed to me. It’s more about remembering than reflecting. I mentioned in an earlier entry that most people I talk to view my diagnosis as just plain weird. And it is. I can’t argue with that. In fact, it’s why when my husband, daughters, and I tell people about my upcoming brain surgery, we smirk. Not because it’s funny (it’s NOT), but because we can hardly believe we’re saying the words. 

In the midst of this, I’ve been struck by how little I’ve shed tears. I am typically a pretty emotional gal. Give me a good Hallmark commercial or Disney movie, and I’m a puddle. Need someone to celebrate with you or cry with you? I’m your girl. However, this journey, which has been life-changing, has produced nearly drought-ridden tear ducts. I have viewed it as a blessing, really. God has spared me from feeling too overwhelmed or fraught with emotion to function. He has given me the ability to speak about it, even the scary stuff, in a very matter-of-fact manner. That is, until it comes to the overwhelming kindness of His people. Tell me about those praying for me and I’m a mess. Come home to a surprise waiting for me from a group of Boy Scouts? I’m a sloppy combination of sobs and laughter. See the name of a precious friend I’ve lost touch with on a meal calendar and I’m thrown into a fit of tears. Yes, God’s people are amazing. Here are just some of the ways we’ve been blessed:

• Meal Calendar set up
• Prayers from students, their parents, staff members, strangers from my dad’s military days, churches from the area and in my hometown
• Surprise gardening from a group of boys and their families
• Freezer stock-up
• Rides for my daughters
• The kindness of teachers covering my class
• Cute jammies for the hospital
• Hydrangea full of gift cards from my third graders
• A freshly-mown lawn
• A prayer shawl delivered as a tangible reminder of God’s cloaking presence
• Encouraging phone calls, text messages, and Facebook shout-outs
• Get well cards from unexpected places
• Pretty haircut (complete with shaven cross)

I find myself singing the kid’s song Count Your Blessings as I type. Beyond that, I’m inspired to love others well; to live out my faith when it comes to taking care of others. I pray I will be able to do that soon. I’m looking forward to being on the other side of this, to being the hands and feet of Jesus. In the meantime, Philippians 1:3 stays with me. “I thank my God upon every remembrance of you.”

God is Great. God is Good.

June 4, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

My mom shared with me a conversation she had with one of her neighbors. He questioned how God could let something bad happen to one of his “good” people. Mom shared with him that God didn’t promise us an easy life, but that He is always with us. Her neighbor said he didn’t “buy into that” and they parted ways. I guess, in his eyes, Mom wasn’t upset enough with my diagnosis. His doubt is really a classic one. And I’m certainly not going to shed new theological light on the answer for that this evening, but I have to admit, their conversation has echoed through my mind the last couple of days. It left me so sad.

Have you ever known someone so wonderful that you just can’t wait for so-and-so to meet him or her? I have. When I met my now husband for the first time I had just moved back to my hometown from Texas. I fell head over heels in love with him and knew we’d be together forever. The only thing that felt incomplete was that my Texas friends didn’t know him. They only knew what I told them. They knew my enthusiasm and joy. They sensed my happiness. They couldn’t, however, claim to have a friendship with him. I remember one friend cautioning me from getting too close. He told me he just didn’t want me to get hurt. He claimed some sort of responsibility for protecting me. The problem was, he didn’t know what he was talking about. No amount of my defending or explaining would bring him to a friendship with my future husband. Only a face-to-face, authentic encounter would do that.

The feelings I had (and still have) for my husband pale drastically in comparison to how I feel about my God. And it’s because I know Him and love Him that I don’t doubt His goodness. No amount of my talking about it may convince others, but living in that assurance just might. Walking confidently down this road does not mean that I will never be afraid. It’s just that I know who is holding my hand. Only someone who has had a face-to-face, authentic encounter with my God can even begin to grasp His goodness.

Now, I’ll admit, my Texas friend was right. I could’ve gotten hurt. I was in love with a human being who sins and sin often hurts the ones closest to us. I didn’t claim that my future husband was perfect...just perfect for me. The difference with God is huge. He is perfect. He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him (Prov. 30:5). He is the One with a  plan for my life, one to give me a future and a hope (Jer. 29:11). He answers me and is capable of great and mighty things (Jer. 33:3). He is the only One who has the strength needed to be my rock, my fortress, my high tower (Ps. 144:1-2). 

You really have to meet Him and spend time with Him to understand His goodness. For too many years I acknowledged God’s goodness as just another one of His intangible attributes. It wasn’t until I began to trace His story, and study His word that I finally began to see evidence of His goodness on every page of scripture. That’s who He is. And I’m certain that my times could be in no better hands than His.

“But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, ‘You are my God.’ My times are in Your hand.” Psalms 31:14-15a

I Serve a Mighty and Sovereign God

June 2, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

“O Lord God, You have begun to show Your servant Your greatness and Your mighty hand, for what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do anything like Your works and Your mighty deeds?” Deuteronomy 3:24

Our language is woefully inadequate when trying to express the magnitude of God. I don’t think words exist on the face of our planet that fittingly describe our Creator and Father. I wonder what Heaven will sound like when we are singing His praises. Will there be words to our songs? Will we be gifted with a Heavenly vocabulary that pays due homage to our King of Kings? I hope so. I love the lyrics of Chris Tomlin, but even they fall short of describing our awesome God.

Looking at the verse in Deuteronomy comforts me a little. The writer doesn’t even attempt to label the works and deeds of our Lord God with adjectives. Instead he asks, “...what god is there in heaven or on earth who can do anything like Your works and Your mighty deeds?” They are beyond words. They are beyond my finite understanding. They are beyond anything we could even ask or imagine. Perhaps that’s why one of my favorite names for God throughout all the Bible is “I AM.” Wow. Let that sink in. He is the only one throughout all of creation that was and is and always will be. That’s all I need to know.

The day I was scheduled to meet for my first consultation with the neurosurgeon I opened my daily scripture text. I was so moved by the timeliness of Habakkuk 1:5. “...For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn’t believe even if someone told you about it.” And at that moment I was convicted and encouraged all at once. I had spent weeks craving answers and a picture of how everything would play out. I felt I needed that so I could better prepare and wait. The words sat before me, almost mocking me. It was as if God was whispering to me, “Jill, even if you knew everything you wouldn’t believe it. I’m doing something bigger here. Your comfort doesn’t come from what you know, but from who you know.” There it was in black and white. He was (and is) doing something in my day. I don’t know what that is, per se, but I trust it. I know His character. I have witnessed His works and His deeds. And all I can do is buckle up. He’s doing something in this day.

God, don’t let me miss you at work. You are the God of my salvation. Thank you for hearing me, and for allowing me to bear witness to who You are. I know my words fall short of describing Your might and Your sovereignty. You are my hiding place and my shield; I hope in Your word. (Ps. 119:114) I give myself fully to you. Amen.

“Therefore I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; My God will hear me.” Micah 7:7

I Exist to Bring My Creator Glory

June 1, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” I Corinthians 10:31

For most of my life I think I’ve been duped by the lie that I have control over the circumstances of my life. Now, I understand that I have been given free will and I certainly can make choices, but total control? No. I believe that, for me anyways, it stems from thinking that my life is all about me. I wouldn’t say that out loud at a Bible study, mind you, but my life has certainly screamed it out loud for years. 

The last three years have been a spiritual reawakening for me. I owe it all to the fact that I began to immerse myself in God’s Word. The more I read and studied, the more I hungered and thirsted for His truth. I’ve always believed God’s Word is true, but certainly didn’t understand His story like I do now. And the funny thing about gaining knowledge is that the more I learn, the more I realize how much I still don’t know. I don’t profess to be able to explain how God can be Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I don’t know how and why He chose (and chooses) to perform miracles beyond imagination. I don’t understand so much about creation (most of it, really!). But I do know this: God created mankind for fellowship with Him. It was man’s choice from the beginning to sin. God is a loving, patient God who set into motion a plan that would forever rescue His children from eternal separation from Him by providing the one true, blameless sacrifice. God’s story is one of pursuit of His children. And how have I so often responded? By acting as though I’m worth the pursuit. As though the God of the universe somehow needs me. Wow, just typing this I’m fretfully ashamed. I would never say I believe that, but my actions have certainly spoken louder than my words.

God’s love for me is so great that, though my best is but rags in His presence (Isaiah 64:6), He chose to send His Son to take my place. I used to be able to say those words without a trace of emotion. Now I can’t even touch the keys without welling up with tears. I believe I finally get it. It’s not about me, never has been, never will be. It is ALL for His glory. Don’t miss that. ALL. He is the only one worthy of glory. Me? I used to think I somehow deserved a seat at His banquet table...not near the head or anything, but there. No more. I’d be happy to get His leftovers to nibble on in the back alley behind the kitchen. 

Early on in this journey I began to wonder why. I didn’t wonder, “Why me?” though I know that would’ve been very human of me. Maybe a better question was, “How?” I’ve wondered how God is going to use this. Can this really be for His glory? And, if He has trusted me with this, then I really, really don’t want to let my Father down. So, I admit I’m tired of talking about brain surgery. The words still feel foreign coming from my mouth. I’m tired of talking about it all because it feels very much like talking about myself. And, believe me, I’m not worth that much conversation. My God, however? He’s worth more than my feeble words could say. If someone is encouraged by my story, then it’s worth every anxious moment. If someone meets my Father because of it? It’s worth every second of pain and more. Regardless of what happens, if He has called me to this, then let me shine with His light.

Father, I love you. I give these moments to you. I know you don’t need me, but I am in desperate need of You! God, please use my story and my choices along this journey to do nothing but lift You up. God, thank you for entrusting this to me. Though I am unworthy, You’ve given me a chance to reflect Your truth. I pray, Father that through this I will serve You well.

“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18

Accepting That I am Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

May 31, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Psalms 139:13-14

The very word “malformation” means that something is wrong. It is not as it should be. Now, I have a problem with that, mostly because my Creator knew what He was doing when he crafted me decades ago in my mother’s womb. It was on purpose. So, what doctors call “bad” or “wrong” is more accurately just different than the norm. It is deemed “rare” by scientists and viewed “weird” by anyone I talk to about it. It would be easy to agree with all of that. In short, it is a conscious choice to accept this as part of what makes me unique, rather than a cruel hand dealt by a distant God.

In Luke 12, Jesus reminds His listeners that not even a sparrow is forgotten by God. He goes on to say, “But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.” (v. 7) The hairs on my head are numbered. He even knows how many hairs I’ll have after they shave part of my head. :) It causes me to marvel at His goodness when I think of the attention He pays to every detail of our lives. Zephaniah 3:17 reminds us that He fights for us and sings over us. From the beginning pages of Genesis we learn that we are made in His image and that we are very good (Gen. 1:27, 31). Ephesians 2:10 speaks a priceless truth to my heart that “[I am] His workmanship, created for good works.” This God of incredible creativity and minute detail knew that this battle would fall in my lap. The amazing thing is that He fights battles for His kids! 

Thank you, Father, for allowing me to rest in your arms. You didn’t need results of an MRI to know how I was formed. You knew it all along. Thank you for trusting me with this challenge now. Let me bring you glory every step of the way. Amen.

Thanking God for What Isn't

May 30, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

“Rejoice always, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

I’ve always marveled at God’s people who maintain a heart of thankfulness even when life is hard. It has always been such a beautiful witness of the power of Christ in us! In fact, the part of those verses that has always spoken into my life is that we are to give thanks in all circumstances. That’s why believers’ positive take in negative situations is such a powerful testimony. What God is teaching me in these days is that He has given me so much to be thankful for right now. Each disease or condition or malignancy the doctors ruled out is a reason to celebrate, to be thankful. And so I am. 

I admit I’m puzzled at the the human condition that causes us to miss the opportunity to thank God when our hearts should be most grateful. I guess that’s why the story of the ten lepers in Luke 17 continues to speak to us today. Jesus healed ten lepers and only one came back to thank Him. Jesus said to the man, “Were there not ten cleansed? But where are the nine? Were there not any found who returned to give glory to God except this foreigner?” (vv. 17-18) I think the other nine were ecstatic. They were probably busy making their way home to their families, to their towns. They may have talked about how thankful they were for the Nazarene who healed them, but failed to thank the Nazarene Himself. Am I not the same? Ouch. It would be natural to skip over the fact that God has spared me from several dreadful things. I could talk about it, and even give lip service to how glad I am it is not...(you fill in the blank). However, God has chosen, in His mercy, to bring me to knees of gratitude, thanking Him for what isn’t. I trust Him with what is, regardless of what is still to come.

One of my high school small group girls seemed to sense my heartbeat and texted the following verses to me: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7. Truthfully, Jaclyn may not have known the beat of my heart, but God always does.

Back to the Beginning

May 29, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

I’m going to back up a bit and just see where this leads me. The short story is that I started to deal with numbness, headaches, and some crazy bouts of dizziness; enough that they began to scare me a bit. When I brought my terrified little self to the doctor, he began to narrow in on my heart and my brain. Tests were ordered, blood was drawn, and my anxiety rose. We kept quiet, not wanting to worry our girls, or to draw unwanted attention. After tests were in, one MRI revealed an “incidental finding.” I love that term. As if it was purely by accident that the doctor found it. (Yes, I know that it is referring more to the fact that it wasn’t what they were looking for, but there just are no accidents or coincidences with God!) On to the neurologist we went with more MRI’s, blood tests, and questions. Results were in and none of the things they were looking for were present. Praise God! And I mean that. I don’t ever want to overlook the fact that there were some pretty scary things they were looking for. (One lesson I’m learning through this is to thank God for what isn’t. More on that later.) 

What they found is something I was most likely born with. They call it a Chiari 1 Malformation, and it is basically a condition in which my skull isn’t large enough for my brain so part of my brain is descended down in the spinal cord region. Why symptoms are presenting themselves now is a bit of a mystery. Mystery to me, that is, not to God. The fix? Surgery. Nasty, invasive, decompressing surgery. The neurologist acknowledged my worsening symptoms and sent me on to a neurosurgeon for a “consultation.” Surgery was scheduled for May 24, but here it is, May 29 and I still have my entire skull intact. 

So...lessons? Almost too many to count. God is teaching me:

• To thank Him for what isn’t.
• That I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
• That I exist to show His glory.
• That God is mighty and sovereign.
• That the body of Christ is a beautiful thing.
• That in Him alone will I find strength.
• To trust fully in His goodness.
• That He is a God of peace.
• To wait on Him.
• To be still and quiet in His presence.

To Write or Not to Write

May 29, 2013: "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken." Psalms 16:8

So, I’ve had several people ask me if I’m journaling about this journey, if I’m recording my experiences. Until now, I haven’t. I’ve reflected and wondered. I’ve “written” entire blog entries in my head, but I just haven’t recorded every event. I don’t really know why. I am a huge proponent of journaling. I even enjoy the act of writing. I just haven’t taken the time to do it. Until today. Today marks a change. And I think the main reason I haven’t written is that I really don’t care what I have to say. I do, however, want to record what God is teaching me. 

You see, I have a terrible short term memory problem. In that way I’m a lot like the Israelites. God’s people witnessed miracle after miracle. God traveled with them and guided them. He rescued them time after time, and showed up big in battle after battle. Yet, they forgot. They were rescued from hundreds of years in slavery (and let’s remember that rescue included the parting of the Red Sea!) and within three (count ‘em, THREE) days they were grumbling and complaining that they should have just stayed in Egypt. Wow. I get so frustrated with the Israelites every time I read the Old Testament, yet I admit I’m the same way! Time after time God has shown Himself mighty in my life. He has rescued me from bondage and made a way where there had been none. He has calmed my seas. He has turned “no’s” into “yeses” and has answered prayers beyond what I could even think to ask. And yet... I forget. I grumble and complain within days of witnessing His miracles in my life. So, today I begin journaling. Not for any reason accept to record God’s faithfulness and goodness and sovereignty and love. 

God, I give this to you. If there is anything I can say that might make your name more known or to bring You glory, I ask that you bless this. Hide me behind You. May this never be about me, but constantly about You.