“Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.” I Corinthians 10:31
For most of my life I think I’ve been duped by the lie that I have control over the circumstances of my life. Now, I understand that I have been given free will and I certainly can make choices, but total control? No. I believe that, for me anyways, it stems from thinking that my life is all about me. I wouldn’t say that out loud at a Bible study, mind you, but my life has certainly screamed it out loud for years.
The last three years have been a spiritual reawakening for me. I owe it all to the fact that I began to immerse myself in God’s Word. The more I read and studied, the more I hungered and thirsted for His truth. I’ve always believed God’s Word is true, but certainly didn’t understand His story like I do now. And the funny thing about gaining knowledge is that the more I learn, the more I realize how much I still don’t know. I don’t profess to be able to explain how God can be Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I don’t know how and why He chose (and chooses) to perform miracles beyond imagination. I don’t understand so much about creation (most of it, really!). But I do know this: God created mankind for fellowship with Him. It was man’s choice from the beginning to sin. God is a loving, patient God who set into motion a plan that would forever rescue His children from eternal separation from Him by providing the one true, blameless sacrifice. God’s story is one of pursuit of His children. And how have I so often responded? By acting as though I’m worth the pursuit. As though the God of the universe somehow needs me. Wow, just typing this I’m fretfully ashamed. I would never say I believe that, but my actions have certainly spoken louder than my words.
God’s love for me is so great that, though my best is but rags in His presence (Isaiah 64:6), He chose to send His Son to take my place. I used to be able to say those words without a trace of emotion. Now I can’t even touch the keys without welling up with tears. I believe I finally get it. It’s not about me, never has been, never will be. It is ALL for His glory. Don’t miss that. ALL. He is the only one worthy of glory. Me? I used to think I somehow deserved a seat at His banquet table...not near the head or anything, but there. No more. I’d be happy to get His leftovers to nibble on in the back alley behind the kitchen.
Early on in this journey I began to wonder why. I didn’t wonder, “Why me?” though I know that would’ve been very human of me. Maybe a better question was, “How?” I’ve wondered how God is going to use this. Can this really be for His glory? And, if He has trusted me with this, then I really, really don’t want to let my Father down. So, I admit I’m tired of talking about brain surgery. The words still feel foreign coming from my mouth. I’m tired of talking about it all because it feels very much like talking about myself. And, believe me, I’m not worth that much conversation. My God, however? He’s worth more than my feeble words could say. If someone is encouraged by my story, then it’s worth every anxious moment. If someone meets my Father because of it? It’s worth every second of pain and more. Regardless of what happens, if He has called me to this, then let me shine with His light.
Father, I love you. I give these moments to you. I know you don’t need me, but I am in desperate need of You! God, please use my story and my choices along this journey to do nothing but lift You up. God, thank you for entrusting this to me. Though I am unworthy, You’ve given me a chance to reflect Your truth. I pray, Father that through this I will serve You well.
“For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18
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